Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Ladies, unite against evil!

Ladies all over the world, or at least around here, it is time to unite in protest. We have had enough!

Enough of what, you ask? It is time to raise our voices together against whatever evil idiots are designing our clothes, that’s what.

Why is it such a bad thing to have jeans that reach our waist instead of sitting halfway down our hips? Who got to decide that looks nice? I’m tired of constantly tugging at my jeans like a little kid wearing an older sibling’s hand-me-downs. I’m tired of crouching to pick something up, only to realize parts of my backside I prefer to keep private are now hanging out in the breeze. Plumber butt is not attractive, no matter how tiny you are. That tummy pooch that hangs over the top of the mid-riff jeans? Yes, it is noticeable. And because the pants are strung across our bodies at mid-belly, we feel as if we’re being cut in half whenever we sit down.

Personally, I object. But just try to find normal clothing. I dare you.

While we’re at it, let’s give someone a stern talking to about skinny jeans. Trust me, little size zero, they don’t look as good as you think they do, because they hug your thighs so tight you look like your ankles flare and your legs were built at an awkward angle. Basically, the opposite of bowlegged. And for those who aren’t a size zero but have convinced themselves skinny jeans look ok, I have a news flash for you – they don’t. Don’t even get me started about men in skinny jeans. Ugh.

Now let’s mention the shirts that stop right around our navels. I don’t want my belly peeking out at the world, especially not in January. If our pants stop well below our waist and our shirts stop well above our waist, our bellies are bare. Fine when frolicking on the beach in a swim suit, but not so much when we’re attending a business meeting or giving a presentation to a group of students or standing in front of a judge or… well, you get the idea. Most of us trying to dress for grown-up occasions spend a significant amount of time tugging our shirts down and pants up, which is not an attractive habit.

The bottom of the shirt ends before they should, but for some reason, clothing designers have decided we all have the arms of orangutans, hanging down to our knees.

I consulted fellow clothing-irritated co-worker Sonja Langseth, who said she’s tired of shirts that have such small and tight arm holes. Sonja is buff. She works out. I’m not, and I don’t. Yet we have the same complaint. Are all women supposed to have toothpick arms? Both muscles and jelly arms need space, yet manufacturers make tiny little pinholes for arms, then we spend all day trying to keep the circulation in our limbs functioning.

Another clothing complaint Sonja brought up is white shirts that are so thin you have to wear nine layers to hide your undergarments. She also objects to crop jackets, which are virtually useless.

Who exactly are the designers making clothes for, anyway? Some weird alien creatures? We have waists, we have bellies, we have arms in proportion to our bodies. Can’t anyone make clothes that are comfortable and attractive?

So it is time for all women to bond together, make a plan and possibly find all of these ignorant designers and beat them up in the parking lot of their fancy designer condos.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, ladies.

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