Don't waste that

Some news stories just beg to be made fun of, mostly because people are funny. And when you have a slightly warped mind like I do, you can snicker your way through reading certain criminal complaints or reports. What can I say? Funny bones are subjective.

This morning I read a story about a man soliciting at a transit center in Burnsville. Not buying or selling drugs, not trying to, uh, meet a nice girl. Not trying to gather spare change. No, this guy was hitting up people for pee.

Francis Wolo Doe (yep, his name is Frank Doe, possible brother of John?) had a bit of a problem and was hoping some kind Samaritan would help him solve it. He needed a drug-free urine sample for his probation officer, and apparently did not possess the ability to provide the drug-free part on his own. So he was asking passersby for a little help.

How, exactly, does one start that conversation?

“Excuse me, Sir? You don’t happen to have the urge to urinate, do you? I’ve got a bottle right here and can help you out with that. Just doing my part to keep the world a safer place for all bladders.”

Or does he just come straight out with it? Maybe in a public restroom?

“Hey, mister? Are you drug free? I could sure use a bit of help. After all, you probably weren’t planning on doing anything important with that.”

Or does he take a different tact?

“Yeah, I’m a collector.”

At least he wasn’t trying to overpower people and steal the urine, which could have earned him the title of Public Enemy Number One.

When police, alerted by someone who had been approached for a urine donation, arrived at the transit center, they located Doe. Inside his backpack, they found Aleve, a pain killer called Meloxicam, one Tramadol tablet and a glass pipe with cocaine traces.

I understand that addiction isn’t funny. I get that someone being asked for their pee would have been disconcerted, creeped out and very possible frightened. Any request for bodily fluids that didn’t come from a medical professional would be weird.

Still, when you think of what possible scenarios could have developed from this situation, it makes you want to giggle so hard you’ll pee your pants.

What a waste!